Are you ready for this?

Chapter 1:

When I wake up it is like I am pulled forward through time 2 years. The dream had seemed so real that I was surprised to find myself in my bed with the lights all on listening to Holly typing, instead of on the floor with the dark pressing in on me. And it takes a minute to remind myself or where I am.

I sigh when I realize that it is only 2:30. Of course I couldn’t wake up at a normal hour. I never did. I could never sleep well in the dark, and the dreams certainly didn’t help. I had no problem falling asleep the first time, when I had the lights on and there were people around but then after a few hours I would have a dream that felt so real that it scared me awake. And then there was no way to get back to sleep, not in the dark with thoughts of Tristan and Paul stuck in my head.

“Did you have another dream?” Holly asks me, taking out her headphones and setting down the Mountain Dew she was drinking.

“Ya, have you even attempted to go to sleep yet?” I ask, shaking my head. Holly never slept at night either, which is how we got to be the only people at ‘Sofi’s home for mistreated girls’ who only had 2 people in their room. No one else could put up with me getting up and pacing at 3 in the morning. Just like no one could stand listening to Holly type until about the same time.

“No, I wanted to get the latest chapter finished but when I got to the end of it I just couldn’t stop.” Holly typed when something was bothering her, just like I paced. And her life had been just as screwed up as mine so she typed a lot.

Her mom and Paul would have gotten along just fine. Both of them had pretty messed up ideas about punishment. Holly’s mom would make her sit in a chair perfectly still for days. Sometimes even breathing was enough movement to get her in trouble, and when you are as ADD as Holly, that is death.

When she showed up at Sofi’s I had only been here a month and was already driving people crazy. She was a mess, twitching constantly and breaking out into tears every few minutes, and then freezing, afraid to breath, when ever some one talked to her. Of course Sofi took her in but after a few days no one could stand being near her, she was just so jumpy, and so Sofi changed the room assignments around until we had a room to ourselves so we wouldn’t bother anyone else. And we have been in that room for almost 2 years

Chapter 2:

“So what was your dream about this time?” Holly asks shoving her computer away, even though her fingers were still typing the words on an invisible keyboard.

“Tristan was passing history because he is brilliant, Paul was mad because he is Paul, and I was in the dark because it was my fault.” I say and then get angry when I realize that I just blamed myself again, “Why do I still do that!” I yell, throwing my pillow across the room.

“You still blame yourself for the same reason that I still hold my breath sometimes when I am sitting in class. Paul messed with your brain. He was cruel and horrible to you and then told you it was your fault. You had it pounded into your head for years Hilary, that doesn’t just go away.”

“That sucks. None of it was my fault. It was all Paul’s fault, and maybe a little bit of it was Tristan’s fault too, but it wasn’t my fault.”

“It’s not Tristan’s fault either. You hating people, and always feeling lied to, well, that is Tristan’s fault completely, but nothing that happened to you before that was his fault. He was just as abused as you were. Paul was the only bad guy back then.” She reminds me, switching from typing to tapping her fingers against each other half way through her speech.

“I hate that I told you to tell me that.” I sigh because I want to blame everything on Tristan. I want it to all be his fault because that makes it easier to hate him. It makes it easier to forget about the fact that he was everything to me for years; forget that he is the reason that I’m not still living with Paul; forget that Paul put him in the hospital when he realized what had happened. And if I can’t forget all of that then I am never going to stop being hurt that he never came and found me.

“I know, but that doesn’t change the fact that you did tell me to say that. Try to go back to sleep. I’ll be up and making plenty of noise for another hour at least, I’ll leave the lights on.” Holly says, then pulls her computer back and blocks out the rest of the world. I lay back down and watch her fingers flow smoothly over the keys, never missing there mark, until someone on the floor above us makes a noise and she pulls her hands over her face and sits perfectly still for a few minutes, then continues to type like nothing happened, tears streaming down her face. I watch her continue like that for twenty minutes before I do finally go back to sleep to face another dream.